Why Isn’t Enough...Enough?
Are there ever any times when you feel like you just aren't enough? You're not smart enough, fit enough, happy enough, awaken enough, successful enough? I know I've felt all of these things at one point or another and many of them multiple times!
A little back story on me; I grew up in a small town and always wished we lived in a bigger city with more opportunities. I struggled to get through high school with a 3.8 G.P.A. because I thought college would be my way out of that small town. When I graduated I didn't go straight to college and during that time my little brother left our small town to finish his high school career living at a college, two hours away from our small town in a huge college town basically doing what I should've been doing. I didn't feel happy for him at the time, I felt jealous. Why is he getting to do this and I'm stuck in this little town? Fast forward four years and I'd graduated college with an associate's degree in Criminal Justice and was working with the Indianapolis Metro Police as a Dispatcher. I was living alone in Indianapolis, paycheck-paycheck, and had just me Scott (my now husband). He had accomplished so much more than I had to that point. Scott and I date for a year, I move up in my position with the Police Dept., we get engaged. A year later we're getting married and a year later we're pregnant with Emily. We buy our home that we have now, welcome Emily into our lives, and then everything changes.
I start to suffer from postpartum depression and anxiety (PPD). Up to this point I felt like, dang we're doing really well! I was proud of where I was in my career, where Scott was, what we had built together, and of course this sweet human that I just had surgically removed from my body. Emily was an awesome baby and totally made me want another one because of how easy she was. I know my PPD started partly because of my self-image after having a cesarean delivery. Let's be honest. after gaining 52 pounds during pregnancy and having zero motivation to work on myself after birth, I wan't helping the situation.
During Emily's first year, I didn't feel like I was good enough at anything. I wasn't smart enough to figure out this parenting thing, I wasn't in shape enough to feel attractive to my husband, I wasn't awake enough most days because I'm a night owl by nature. I did feel pretty good about my career though and that made me happy!
I worked overnights and for whatever reason I just was over my department, swore they hated me and I started looking for a different job in the same field. A little while later I ended up leaving my career at the Indianapolis Metro Police for the same job in a different area. I can now pinpoint that THAT was my mistake. Since that time so many changes have happened, emotions have been everywhere, I've worked several places outside the home while at the same time trying to blog, I've birthed another child who was colicky which turned my life upside down. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and still suffer from that daily. I have become a stay at home/work from home parent, removed my kiddos from daycare after several bad experiences, argued with my husband about way too many things, and have gone to bed way too late and way too mad.
Once I started to be at home everyday I didn't give any credit to myself. I had done what was best for my family, we just couldn't see it at that exact time and it was making me feel inferior, big time. I wanted to be able to use my blog as a way to make income for my family. I didn't want my husband to feel like he was my personal bank account. I wanted my kids to be happy and learning and growing the way they should be. I wanted to be able to experience my kids while they're still little. I didn't feel good about myself, I felt defeated. I felt like everything and everyone was against me. I didn't feel smart, or successful, or happy. I felt like a failure for the most part!
There was one person that I got close to though, that helped me learn who I am and helped me understand and believe that all the things I felt I wasn't good enough at, I am. That is Jesus. Through Him I know that I'm everything He wants me to be right now and the more I grow with Him, the more I'll become who I feel I should be.
I know now that I have time. I have time to work on myself and that what I want to become might not happen as soon as I'd like but I'll get there. God has a plan for me and that plan doesn't consist of feeling defeated forever. It might mean I have to feel defeated before I can become who I need to be, right? Jesus has been through everything I'm going through and so much more and he was so kind and patient and gentle. If I aspire to be more like Him than I've got to be doing something right?
I AM smart enough, strong enough, successful enough, and someday soon hopefully I'll be happy enough. All through Him.