Today marks a huge milestone in my marriage to my husband, Scott. We have officially been married for six years! SIX years! I have always heard that the first five years of your marriage will be the hardest and I believe that at this point. Year five was crazy difficult and trying for us, both as a couple and as individuals. We had so so many Lowes and not many highs. It really was the hardest time of my life.
Ever since I had Emily, I have suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety and those things going on inside my body didn’t help the situation. Scott and I were never communicating, we were hardly speaking! We had really just grown so far apart and were continuing to push each other further and further away. We parented differently, I can’t speak for him but I resented him for the time he spent at work away from home, I had quit my 10 year career without telling him and broken that trust, he had broken my trust too and I was extremely hurt by that. Christmas Day 2017 will forever be one of the worst, if not the worst days of my life. I’ll have reminders of that day every single year and it pains me that it’s also one of the most amazing days in history when it comes to my faith. I remember feeling unseen, unwanted, betrayed, hurt, so many other things that day. Christmas 2017 was the beginning of the end for me. Not the end that you might be thinking though.
I had started to become so withdrawn after that Christmas that I was just ready to call my marriage ended, I felt no hope of anything ever changing and getting better. I was ready to move out and start over and when it came time to have that ridiculously uncomfortable talk with my husband I told him that I was ready, I was prepared for whatever the outcome was because I knew that God is where I get my identity from and that He’ll always be there for me, He won’t put more on me than I can handle. See, I had started going to church and growing my faith at the end of November 2017 and I felt SO confident in God’s promises to me that I knew I’d be okay. That day after we finally communicated with each other we both decided we wanted to try and make things different. There wasn’t a definitive answer to whether things would work or not, because who can really know, but there were promises of attempting to change from both sides.
Now I hope you don’t think that the very next day everything was hunky-dory and we were living our best lives because…hahaha NO! We are nine months into trying to make changes and it’s still a daily thing I have to remind myself about. I am completely the type of person who holds on to grudges, I always have been that way. I am VERY much consciously working on bettering myself and allowing myself to simply let go of things. It’s a struggle, let me tell you. I always try to read this verse when something happens that I know I would normally hold on to the anger or annoyance I get from it; 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:31-32. Forgive just as Christ God forgave you. I mean, I’m always trying to have more of Him in me and less of me in me and forgiveness is a HUGE part of what He is all about, right? Right, yes.
It took Scott a little while to warm up to the idea of going to church with me but I think he started to see changes in me and he started going with me or watching online when he had to work on Sundays. He now goes every single week with me and we make it a priority for us. The act of going to church isn’t what make someone faithful but I love going and feeling connected to other followers. I love singing my heart of for Jesus, lifting Him up, I love sharing the experience with my husband, the person who I promised so many things to six years ago. Scott and I used to never talk, never ever. When we did talk we would argue or spat off hurtful remarks or simply walk away. Now, after becoming faithful we have opened up all kinds of doors. We have met like-minded people and couples and parents through our church, we both are starting to serve at our church, aka serving God!, we appreciate what the other person does for our family and for each other, we both try really hard not to let the small things go unnoticed, we kiss, we hold hands, we smile at each other. Even those super small acts make such a huge difference for us. There are things that have been said and done to each other that no one should say or do to anyone in any kind of relationship but we are in the process of moving past those things.
The one thing that stands out to me the most that I love about us now, and that I know faith brought into our lives, is how we talk and communicate about Jesus. We talk about faith all the time! All the time! We talk about how we’ve come so far and how we’re excited for the future now. We talk about everything and even try to set aside time for it. It’s not something we dread talking about and we don’t try to avoid each other like the plague anymore.
What’s my takeaway from the past nine months? Jesus saves. He saves everything and God knows His plan for you. All you have to do is trust Him and know that He is with you. He’s there when you’re at your lowest and He’ll be there with you at your highest, celebrating you, His child.