There, I said it. And even more importantly I need to say that it’s ok for me not to be ok. Sometimes I go through phases when I need to tell myself that everything is good-great-wonderful, and that just hasn’t been the case for me for the past 5 years.
Emily turns five this week and since the day she was born pretty much I have suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety. It took me over a year to admit that I needed help and go to the doctor to see what could be done. That was the single best decision I have ever made in regards to my mental health. Days are still a struggle for me and I have been relying heavily of friends, family, and mostly Jesus to help me through but that doesn’t mean there won’t be good and bad days. Good days for me are basically when I can look at my day after the kids’ bedtime and see that I didn’t have a breakdown episode that involved crying or screaming.
That’s what I tend to do when my mind is in meltdown mode. I get upset so easily, want to be left alone, don’t feel like doing anything, I don’t get myself ready in the mornings, I just don’t do anything. I even let my work go and go as long as it possibly can because I have negative zero motivation. It’s so sad but it’s also something that I am not full yin control of, and I know that. My husband knows that so he has learned to not pressure me about certain things and it makes it a hard day or week or month, or however long I’m in a valley for that matter.
With all the information now days about depression it’s easier to feel less alone but that the same time it’s easier for me to get caught up and feel like I am all alone. When I’m in a valley the last thing I want to do is research about depression because I have no energy for anything. I have found that following along some great Instagram accounts (I know right-sounds so dumb but it’s not) helps me. When I’m just meaninglessly scrolling through my feed and something pops up that catches my eye and is so easily accessible at that time in the valley it really does help me.
Something that I have learned that personally does NOT help me is following accounts on social media, whatever your platform of choice may be, that make me question my contentment with my own life. Comparison is truly the thief of joy and even though some of the accounts I used to follow have beautiful photos and the people seem genuine and authentic, I had to unfollow. It’s not out of spite but out of self-preservation!
If you take away anything from this post please know that it is 110% ok to ask for help. Whether that help be from a doctor or friend or family member or spouse or Jesus… get the help you need! Two, if you’re feeling like everything you’re seeing on social media is causing you to compare yourself and think badly about you and your life-try taking a social media break. Live like we used to 20 years ago with no internet constantly at our fingertips and no amazingly perfect Instagram photos taking up social media feeds. It’s so goof for the soul and the heart. I enjoy taking those breaks when I can and have been working on (not perfecting) putting more time in getting to know Jesus. I’m not perfect at it, I don’t pray daily, I don’t open my bible daily, but I have started to strive to be better and I really think that’s all He wants from us, effort.
Now I am not bashing travel bloggers or anything like that, even fashion bloggers who always look perfected and are posing and all. I love me a nice looking photo on my own social media feeds as well but something I do crave from accounts I follow are meaningful words. Not every single time someone posts am I longing for something deep and emotional, but sometimes, ya know. I want to feel connected in some way and know they’re real and not just a model body at a beautiful location in the perfect outfit.
Until next time, Xo